I would perform a highly proven technique known as buttsex which normally works quite well, but unfortunately you're on the other side of the internet.
It's a tiny bit like 4chan. It's a message board where people post stuff like funny pictures, contentious topics/debates, interesting stuff etc.The people there can be assholes, but most of the time they are surprisingly funny and intelligent. For example, http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/ph4u5/what_is_the_most_awkward_thing_that_a_professor/