I have nothing to lose by posting this, so why the hell not? I recently tried to hone my writing skills, and this is the result. Criticism is welcome, constructive or otherwise. A damp mist drifted through the air, as lifeless as the bodies that were strewn across the battlefield. Men were still walking through the field, putting down their enemies. Seeing them breathe their last breath, fear engulfing their faces. The sound of the dying, and of swords being driven through skulls. In the distance, the odd command was barked. Every now and then, one of the soldiers that was about to be executed put up a measly resistance. Freyu sat down, atop the hill from which he had seen the carnage as his regiment entered the battle. He had seen the left flank of the enemy collapsing, as is was cut off from the centre of the enemy line. The retreat had caused the total surrounding of the centre, though their right managed to escape. At least ten thousand of the enemy force were supposed to have died. On his own side, however, the amount sat at about a tenth of that. Yet another victory for the mighty Confus Empire. He started to walk back toward the camp, his time in the military was almost up. He had been successful so far. Not that “success” mattered much to him. His main aim was to survive. In his youth he might have thought a nice scar would attract some eye candy in the pubs that littered the streets of his home town. To think of his home town, Eru, in the north-west reaches of the empire. A trading hub, vital to the empire in bringing supplies from across the Yellow sea. Well known for it's night life, sex and various other forms of “prohibited business”. Not that much could be done about it in truth, the criminals ran the city, with a click of their fingers, all government access to the vital ports could be blocked should they choose to do anything. The criminal organisations had created a more or less autonomous state. This was a pattern that Freyu had noticed throughout his travels with the military. It resembled something more like a loose federation than an empire, held together by the fact that without the other, each ruler would lose there supposed, or real, control. The criminals need the bribes from the empire to function, but should the Empire take strict action, then the effects across the empire could be disastrous as the logistics of managing a well trained, fed and equipped army of two hundred thousand men collapsed. He shuddered at the thought that such a supposedly powerful empire's fate rested entirely on the whim of a select few criminals, that if they wanted to could effectively work together to destroy the empire. Of course, that was another point on which the empire believed would provide them with safety. The criminals never worked together. It was a well known fact that a gang-related death was about as natural death as you could come across. The eternal conflict that existed over vital trades caused thousands of deaths each year. The empire had surely had it's hand in controlling such eternal conflicts, causing insurrection amongst the various enterprises that dominated the landscape.
Good writing there, but I think that @Kali is the qualified person to see it. Anyway, to get better in writing, try reading lots of books.
I would just watch out for repetitions and such. Also, this is just a personal preference, but I do like a lot of adjectives in my writing. Adjectives really show the intent and imagery of your writing.
Very nice, as Mr. Clu said I would avoid repetitiveness, in my writing I seem to do that. But all in all that was pretty good.
When I write, everyone either tells me that was stupid or they don't understand it. I think I take meanings to far... This is well done in my opinion, both in gramma and flow.
I'm not particularly well versed in the realm of fictional linguistics, but the basic principle of communicating a message remains the same. I skimmed, and from a linguistic/grammatical perspective, I'd say the biggest change you need to make is syntactical. Find your perspective and write from it consistently. The other major thing is the sentence fragmentation going on here. Breaking up your thoughts into tiny bits, in fiction anyways, is reserved for things that require extreme emphasis.
\Your descriptors are plain and it makes it difficult for you to present your scene. Walking fails to give a mood, find the general mood and try to work from there. Were they: creeping, fearful of being the last casualty of the battle? parading, their egos inflated from their victory? Scurrying, scavenging the corpses? putting down is an act of mercy, what they are doing is not. I put my dog down when it is sick, not when I cut open someone. change sounds to a dull or wet thud, or something else describing the sword. Connect this to the previous sentence. "the dull thud of the swords being driven through the skulls of the fallen soldiers was only inturupted by the odd barking of orders by the commander[/QUOTE] Get rid of this all together. I have never seen a general "sit", he positioned himself. Let's not use third-person omniscient, it's a clunky way of writing and unless your planning on making this an epic novel on the scale of Lord of the Rings is not going to be incredibly useful. Get rid of the he had seen, replace with his forces charged the left flank. Omit the second part of the sentence. For the last two sentences : The enemy was quick to route but not before thousands of them perished on the steppes(?, I'm not sure what terrain this takes place on). Omit the first sentence. He's commanding a regiment but has the attitude of a conscripted foot soldier? Eye candy is a modern phrase and would not have been used. Have him think of the things he misses about the town (little things), its economic structure isn't important. You jumped into this, touch on futile attempts to stop the business ( also say what kind). This isn't a loose federation, it's a kleptocracy. Oligarchy. Why would they destroy the empire if they basically ruled it? You might as well change gang leaders to feudal lords, it seems like you're forcing them into that role.
