Corrupt-a-wish! game

Granted, but you can't take the details and end your life

I wish to be a martial arts master

Granted, but when trying to use self-defense, you get shot.

I wish for a fleet, of iron.

Your request is to vague, and as such it is ignored.

I wish for my title to be changed to "Tomato"

Granted, but it causes a meltdown in the universe that can be easily predicted using laplace's demon

I wish for a really fast internet connection

Granted, but it's horrifically expensive.

I wish for the highest quality education.

Granted, but it's at Eton and you absolutely hate it

I wish that the examiners would get bored of marking my papers and give me full marks

Granted, then you get lazy and don't bother doing the exams at all, so the examiner's don't mark it and you get a U.

I wish for pie.

Granted, but it is creampie...

I wish for apple crumble

Granted, but it's out of date.

I wish the 6th Song of Ice and Fire book was available dammit.

Granted, but it is so long that you have watched the end of the entire series before you finish it

I wish that I could be bothered to finish the 4 books I am trying to read

Granted, but you become zealous and love the books so much you spurn the TV series as shit.

I wish I had a classy suit with a fedora.

Granted, but reading is bad for you.

I wish Epiccheesegrater understood my reasons to like Alex Tran.

Granted, but I then disagree with your reasons.

I wish I had the power over bans.

Granted, but you accidentally ban yourself.

I wish I had better reasons to ban people.

Granted, but people think you're a crazy logician that has no emotions.

I wish I was a crazy wizard.

Granted, you won't pass.

I wish for a pie. Any flavor is fine.

Granted, but somebody steals it from you.

I wish I owned Greggs and Martins.

Granted, but you are killed when a robbery occurs at your house.

I WISH THAT YOU COULDN'T PUT STUFF IN CAPITALS!

Granted, but grammar collapses in upon itself internationally.

I wish I had a palanquin.

Granted, but it is a horribly crafted palanquin and collapses.

I wish for their to be no black font.