Hello

I googled it and I found a "a tale" of Death Penis Boogaloo

DEATH PENIS BOOGALOO

(an unspeakable agony happening in your mom's basement at noon)

by Grimbly Snooker Blaghnumny

Meanwhile, the Pope was being raped to death by bobcats. Again. Or was it meerkats? Counterpoint: does anyone care? J.K. Rowling doesn't, but that's probably because her constipated turds have come to life and are attacking her with tiny brooms. "Did You Shit My Backwards Titties Off!?" Meanwhile, Bradd Pitt hungrily devoured the contents of a can of Right Guard. Then kittens committed genocide against The Daewoo People. Then I taught a bunch of ducks to use toilet paper. They were wary at first. Meanwhile, orbiting the sun at ninety-two miles per second, Eric Idle was shooting Happiness Rays from his magic eyeballs that bathed the whole Earth in a warm, loving glow. Then I accidentally vacuumed my sister's gerbil and he called me a barrel of motherfuckers. Meanwhile, scientists proved that if you cut a monkey open, Ramen noodles come out. Then John Travolta sucked Liza Minelli right up his nose. Just, "SNNNNNNUCKK!!!" and she was gone! The audience applauded bombastically. Then a convenience store robbed a black man. Meanwhile, cunts. Then a Shih Tzu took a shit in a zoo. Unless it's a farm. Then 500 racecars drove out from under my bed and startled all the dust bunnies. McDonald's research scientists have added tiny organic microchips to their meat to create the world's first HAMBURGERON. It can tell you the time and temperature while you eat it, compliment your clothing, and also host game shows. Trouser squish. Grey flannel pajamas are a socialist plot. Meanwhile, Optimus Prime was fucking Barack Obama in the ass while they both sang 'O Christmas Tree'. Then Bea Arthur returned to life as an all-powerful golem and killed three underlings and ordered a milkshake and disemboweled an igloo to get to the crunchy Eskimo meat inside. Then I shoved a parking meter up my ass and shot quarters from my dick till Sunday. Then Neve Campbell got stinking drunk and married a chihuahua in Vegas. The chihuahua was actually a North Korean midgit spy in a very good suit, but he quickly forgot his mission of sinister espionage when directed to lick Peater Pang Penut Butter off Miss Campbell's asshole. Howfen! Then some guy named Rudy stole all the interincontinental ballistic missiles. Those would be the kind of missiles who wet their silos. RUBBER TROUT. I heard Richard Pryor likes rubber trout. "Rubber trout? I barely knew her!" Then the Rescue Rangers went to France and had Pirate Adventures(R). Meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey was interviewing a large pile of firewood. It had terrible, subversive things to say about the RIAA. Then Owen Wilson grew 90 more knees. Then Wilford Brimley defended Hyrule from thousands of marauding orcs. Then Pacman took a shit that was bright green. Jungle Love. Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh. Meanwhile, the Mighty GoBots were protesting unfair wanking conditions at the sausage factory. Meanwhile, oysters around the world sang "Who Let The Dogs Out?" in falsetto in an attempted-mass-species-suicide-by-fisherman. They were all terribly depressed because their supply of Zoloft Energy Drinks had run out. Switching to Mountain Dew Turquoise Colored Shit had not helped. "BROWN THINGS GO 'ROUND IN CIRCLES!!! I WANT FLOURIDE TOOTHPASTE!!! ASS!!!" Miracle Whip's new commercials are the lamest that have ever existed. Fuck the Bronze Age. 10,000 Irish midgets = 50 drunk racehorses. Meanwhile, Burt Reynolds was giving out free lobotomies with his teeth. Meanwhile, an Alabama cheerleader decided to save time by giving birth directly into a dumpster. The rats fed well that night, oh yes indeed! Then I had an aluminum sandwich. Then I watched sixty hours of nature footage of penguins laying eggs in reverse until I had masturbated my penis into small, burnt shreds. Then Nova Scotia told Madagascar to suck their ballsac. Then Sean Connery drove around L.A. in a tank, crushing cars, buildings and pedestrians alike, laughing heartily all the time, and no man dared raise a hand to stop him because, c'mon, it was Sean fucking Connery. Vampire albino giraffes. Then Kate Winslet gave birth to a fully-grown adult baboon and swore off prescription leaping pills forever. (They've been rumored to cause anal pomegranates.) Meanwhile, my friend's neighbor's dog's milkman's gynecologist's grandma was puttering about the root cellar, cheerfully admiring the thousands of glinting glass jars that held the innumerable abortions she'd had during the years, while the corpses of all their fathers were eaten by beetles far below the earthen floor. Ah, memories. Then a bunch of policemen got killed in a tsunami of period blood from Godzilla's ovulating girlfriend, Zeldazilla. Then Miley Cyrus and Tobey McGuire had a good old-fashioned knife fight in the parking lot of a gay leather bar in Tucson, Arizona. Then Tucson, Arizona acquired sentience and asked for more of those delightful WalMarts. Then Megatron picked his nose for three hours (and fed the results to Starscream). Then a badger went to Borneo and bought some briny bread. Kim Jong Il has a cloaca. Meanwhile, a cluster of morbidly obese, cigar-chomping white men in pinstriped suits were deciding how best to rape the middle class when suddenly the windows of their penthouse office imploded and a bunch of scantily-clad female ninja warriors kicked the living shit out of them with their deadly pink high heels. Then Stinkor from He-Man did a flawless Frank Sinatra impression. Then Ned Flanders carefully inserted a live stingray into his rectum. Don't put no quarters in that machine over yonder; it dispenses gumballs shaped like tiny rainbow-colored Hilary Clinton heads, which will stare and grin obscenely at you if you try and bite into them. Latex-wearing bees will both sting you and call you a naughty little faggot. Bosko; him's a good fish. I think we're becoming sidetracked, aren't we? The real issue at hand is whether or not there were any three-headed Martians present when they signed the Declaration Of Independence. There were not. This clearly constitutes racism and the entire document must be thrown out, then replaced with the nutritional info from the side of a Rice Krispies box. Yum. Christ, who threw that goddam spatula at me!? I am gonna carve you up and shit on your guts, motherfucker. Then a purple shark-toothed bunny said to me, "You just pooped out a Renamon, didn't you?" And I had indeed. Meanwhile, the Olson twins stole a Mercedes, robbed twelve banks and plunged off a skyscraper into the Hudson River while doing lesbian tongue-kissing shit all the way down. Margaret Thatcher's bum needs oiling. Conspiracy theorists have known for years that the Beatles' Yellow Submarine was, in fact, blue. And not a submarine at all, but a large puppy with a bow around his neck, named Charlie Warleykins. "I will fuck you with a camel." Then Wario read the stock report and sipped tea. Ten seconds later he would be dead from a ruptured colon. The colon would be ruptured by a near-invisible army of Rectal Elves who had declared war upon him. The cause of the war was believed to be an overindulgence in Taco Bell. Taco Bell was, in fact, the direct result of a half-forgotten notebook doodle from a distracted Albert Einstein. Mr. Einstein was distracted by the sight of his wife and their maid, completely naked except for cat-ear headbands, doing a sexy bump 'n grind against a large sculpture of Hercules standing in line at a Starbucks. The Hercules statue had been commissioned by Pope Corky the Nineteenth after a wild night of Abba and shrooms. The shrooms had been named Stephano, Dwight and Maryanne, prior to their ingestion. HONK, HONK, HONK; I'M A CANADA GOOSE! Then the death penalty was extended to include people who hold roast-pig-luaus during in-flight movies. Legislators believe the wafting scent of charred swine carcass is too distracting to passengers attempting to watch that one movie where Queen Latifah and Ben Stiller have all sorts of wacky adventures involving his clumsy whiteness and her sassy blackness until you all just wanna fucking crowbar yourself in the fucking skull to make it stop. GUNGA DIN. Then later, a bunch of watermelons came a-knockin' at my door. They were selling little plastic bags full of child vomit. I bought three. They look lovely on the mantelpiece. Next to my severed balls. Meanwhile, Burl Ives was single-handedly liberating a Cambodian refugee camp with a bent toothbrush and some castrated raccoons. Then Christopher Lloyd screamed with bulging eyes, "CHRIST, I WAS FROZEN TODAY!!!" Then Maya Angelou died slowly from crotch fungus. Thankfully, her suffering was averted when an ambulance arrived. However, the ambulance driver had been drinking mushroom daiquiris all afternoon and crashed through her livingroom window, crushing her skull to maroon putty underneath the squalling truck's front tire. Then John Cleese lactated on a Ritz cracker. Then large, fat pigs started falling out of the sky and crashing into vehicles and telephone booths and causing millions of panicked citizens to run around screaming in porcine-induced terror. Then Zombie George Carlin punched Not A Zombie Chuck Norris in the face so hard that all his teeth flew out of his ears. Then Gary Coleman attacked a nuclear submarine with his bare hands. There were no survivors. Then Ryan Seacrest vomited for forty days and forty nights. Until he drowned. In his own vomit. Which tasted like Hamburger Helper, actually. "Yes, I just said that snails might taste like clitoris." Then some flamingos with uzis hijacked a flight to Cuba and went purse shopping with the ghost of Ethel Merman. Then Ted Turner transformed into an octopus. Then I was awarded 100 solid gold ant-repellant internets. "How come Mexicans are born with tails and not the other way around?" Then humongous fecal matter robots battled a sixteen-story Hello Kitty in space with waffle guns and used Odor Eaters. Then all the poodles in the world started suddenly shooting flames out of their assholes, which had migrated to their foreheads. Then Gerard Depardieu ate New York. Then Little Johnny fed all the lions at the zoo PCP and set them loose and they all took turns holding him down and defecating into his mouth (which was his plan all along). Then Regis Philbin made the world safe for democracy with nothing more than his lightning fists of fury and a twinkle in his eye. Then thousands of people all ran screaming into the street and started doing the watusi. Then I started pouring ketchup over everything in the house, including furniture, electronics and the cat's litter box. Then nine million rampaging hamsters slaughtered the entire population of Indonesia and wore their pelts as trophies. Then I had to stop writing this and go take a shit. I'M BACK NOW!!! AND NOTHING CAN STOP MEEEE!!! Not even magnetic whores. Meanwhile, Matthew Perry was ingesting golf balls like a madman. Then Al Capone traveled through time to the year three-thousand and eighty-seven, whereupon he was immediately eaten by the giant ants which had taken over the planet millennia ago. Then Jesus Christ screwed up a card trick and everyone laughed at him and he slunk home to post gloomy poetry on his Facebook. Then, brandishing a four-foot dildo like a fencing sword, Bob Saget ruthlessly robbed the Krispy Kreme on Lankershim and Cahuenga and stole off into the night, singing the William Tell Overture at the top of his lungs. Then Rick Astley gave me up. That lying bastard. Then Joan Rivers used her fire-breath to protect her cave from thieving hordes of hobbits. Then Emma Watson did forty pounds of drugs. Then John Goodman put on blue overalls and saved the Mushroom Kingdom. Then I read a book about gnome tits. Then Satan tossed Ann Coulter into the raging fires of Hell, where even as her skin turned black and her eyeballs boiled in their sockets, she still insisted it was better than living in a country where women were allowed to vote. Then all the Care Bears got shitfaced and did the 'YMCA' dance. Then all the Elvis impersonators in the world got cancer. AT THE SAME TIME. And none of them in the same part of the body. And the weird thing is, they all had the same DNA, so if you were able to take all the cancer parts of them and put them together you'd have a giant cancerous Elvis. Then Captain Planet gobbled down 5,000 Down's Syndrome babies in twenty minutes and won the grand prize! Then Barbara Bush was raped by anime tentacles until eventually the tentacles ran out of steam, leaving Barbara naked and slathered in cum, screaming, "You get your polydimensional ass back here and finish the job, mister!!!" Then Michael Bay somehow managed to burn himself to death while eating Cheerios. Then Spongebob Squarepants gave a handjob to Jonathan Frakes. Then James Cameron spent seven hundred million dollars on a state-of-the-art digital 3D remake of The Adventures Of Milo And Otis. Then Minnie Mouse dropped atomic bombs on Norway. Then Michael J. Fox got fifteen kinds of syphilis. Then live anacondas came out of Christopher Walken's urethra as he calmly chatted and smoked a cigarette on the David Letterman show. Then the moon squeezed its giant craterous nipples and moaned. Then Chevy Chase puked 500 tons of cheese onto a Pittsburgh freeway in broad daylight. Then Suzy Creamcheese engulfed a Citgo station with her gelatinous, wobbly cleavage. Then Cardinal Steampunk went mad and lit the Vatican on fire. Then Robby Rourke shot massive, gleaming boogers into the atmosphere and brought down nine space probes. Then Dakota Fanning turned into a giant robot iguana and vanquished Dracula. Then Samwise Gamgee drove a cement mixer through the middle of a crowded petting zoo. Then Samwise Gamegear drove a mement sixer through the middle of a crowded zetting poo. Unless fits an arm. Then germs killed the Martians. Then the Belgians invented a noodle-flavored carbonated beverage that caused uncontrollable opera singing and seizures. Then all the Westboro Baptists fell off a boat and drowned in the Bay Of Fundy. (Wah-Wah-Waaaah!) Then Johnny Depp discovered a cure for genital warts, which also made a great low-carb coffee sweetener. Then terrorist chipmunks claimed that big Beech tree in the park in the name of Allah. Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer who raped his children constantly. Then Scooby Doo got a bunch of ticks inside of his penis. Then our two pet guinea pigs, Shaneequa and Leviathan, got loose and drank all our beer. Then Nick Nolte crawled out of a dumpster and horrified the customers of a local KFC. Then Paris Hilton sucked out Tom Cruise's eyes at a rave party. Then hundreds died as Alex Trebek went insane and insisted a game of Jeopardy go on until all but one contestant had starved to death. In the end, several audience members resorted to cannibalism, masturbation and polyester. Then Jean Claude Van Damme exhumed Patrick Swayze's corpse and made love to it by candlelight. Then Clay Aiken was buried alive under thousands of tons of rabbit droppings. Then Steve Buscemi shat seven gold bricks. Then wild gila monsters started giving birth to miniature Judy Garlands. Then Janeane Garafalo ate Garfield in one bite. Then Utah turned into a gigantic hill of pus. Then LeVar Burton made applesauce and faxed it to me. Not apple juice. The truth about apple juice is it makes me sick. The truth about Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls is that they contain no computer chips. The batteries you put in are there to deliver electric shocks to hundreds of tiny, extremely venomous sand scorpions who have been genetically bred to shriek at a certain pitch, thus replicating the voice of the red-furred children's abomination. Gahbunga Beans. They're half-off. Then Star Jones' hymen mutated like Tetsuo and took over Tokyo. Then Barbara Walters shoved a buttplug in her clitoris. "Don't eat the jelly! Don't eat the jelly! I made it with frog wee. It'll turn your teeth green... Like mini apples." Or is it Minneapolis? Then the world recoiled in horror as it was revealed that McDonald's french fries are made out of wool, discarded hospital syringes and dead voles. I took eleven thousand shits on a tortilla and sold it to some Japanese art students. Then John Ritter ...did something. Then Hurricane Katrina became self-aware and demanded seventeen million pairs of shoes. Then scientists discovered a cure for women. Then Vince Offer gave birth via bellybutton to a fifteen-pound wheel of swiss cheese. Then twelve children were mercilessly glued together by a batshit insane arts and crafts teacher, who thereupon sent the hideous glue-child-beast out to do her nefarious bidding. Then Peter Jennings emerged from the swamp, completely covered in leeches, and giggling. Then Peter Jackson directed a bowl of pudding. I had a dream last night that South Korea was capturing people and turning them into food. I'm dead serious. They turned them into grease and cooked fries in them. Then St. Francis Assisi cloned some dinosaurs for shits 'n giggles. Then Buffy The Vampire slayer bought some large, fake eyebrows, as that was her fetish. (Not wearing them. Just buying them.) Then Hamid Karzai was forced at gunpoint to have sex with The Stinky Crocodiles while Nosferatu stood in the corner and played with his nads. Then Pat Sajak was led away in cuffs after getting caught masturbating with nipple clamps in a public theater while watching Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. Then Maya Angelou... Oh shit, she's already dead. Then George Clooney crawled up inside Julia Roberts and impregnated her with his eggs. Then Sarah Palin stole a classified military aircraft and went zooming off to shoot anti-tank cannons at dolphins. Thankfully for the dolphins, there happened to be a malfunctioning Tickle-Me-Elmo doll on board that day... I'll trade you this box of palindromes for that severed amoeba head ya got there. Then a woman in Maine was arrested when, after giving birth to twins, she decided to christen them with champagne bottles. Then Little Joey from Brooklyn forgot to take out da gobbige. "Don't leave the duck there. It's totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it'll have much more fun." Then Ramon Hooloovoo, a relief pitcher for the Detroit Tigers, pulled down his pants and took a steaming crap on the mound, then puked on his crap, then jizzed on the puke, and the umpire called it a triple play. Then thousands of mewling, moist, blind George Clooney larvae came crawling their way out of all of Julia Roberts' orifices. Then Bruce, a kindly old colorectal tumor, was diagnosed with human. Poor Bruce's mind snapped and he went on a shooting rampage. With Nerf guns. "YAAAAAAHHH!!! TASTE THE WRATH OF MY HARMLESS FOAM BALLS!!!" Then Martin Lawrence was raped into a coma by his own mother. Then Jay and Silent Bob graciously accepted the Nobel Prize for physics. Then the Thundercats sat around watching ESPN until they all got polio. Then Ellen Degeneres became a volcano. Then David Spade ran over some Girl Scouts on a riding lawnmower made out of ham and laughed maniacally. Then I hallucinated that all the keys on my keyboard had turned into Doritos. Then Connie Chung sat down with a tub of french onion dip to enjoy some interracial lizard breastfeeding porno. Then the Hamburglar converted to Islam and put a mongoose up his ass. Then Kevin Bacon kidnapped some black children and kept them in cages in his basement and forced them to knit him endless lavender booties until they revolted and put a mongoose up his ass. Then Kelly Ripa chewed loudly on her used tampon in a public restaurant until the waiter put a mongoose up her ass. Then Lance Henriksen battled some space squids and put a mongoose up his ass. Then The Nostalgia Critic saved thirty schoolchildren by lifting a bus over his head and putting a mongoose up his ass. Alright I'll stop now. But not before I put this mongoose up my ass. Meanwhile, my Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal was whispering secret blasphemies to me from ancient times. It was confiscated by the Sudanese government and forced to work in the salt mines. But then my glass of milk started deciphering hidden Bible prophecies so I just ran the fuck out of the house and didn't stop until I got to the nearest Tim Hortons. Mmmmmm, Timbits. Then giant frogs swallowed the sun, bitches. Zippy Magic Weiner Holder Martians. Then Eminem fired javelins out of his forty nipples. Then Florence Henderson grew a bunch of vaginas all over her HEAD. Then I made a doghouse out of old dead walruses. Then Rick Moranis suddenly and violently got the diarrhea, which meant there was Rick Moranis shit everywhere. Then some carrots stole a 1957 Cadillac Eldorado and had a wild time. Then scientists discovered great herds of migrating echidnas on Uranus. Then Draco Icebane baned some fucking ice. Then Batman showed up and everyone was like, "OHHHHHHHHH SHIT!!!!!" and he poured picante sauce on all of them and ate them alive with his bat-incisors ...and then he put a mongoose up his ass. Then Rosie O'Donell went up and down the halls of a major metropolitan hotel, defiling all the doorknobs in an unspeakably filthy manner. And SMILING! Then Jenny McCarthy had all her skin pulled off in a weed-wacker accident, then immediately fell into a pit of rock salt and mealworms. Then everyone in New Guinea all solved the Rubik's Cube at once, thereby negating your argument. Then Julie Andrews went berserk! BERSERK, I SAY!!! Then my magic toaster granted me the ability to play six Nintendo games at once, and also vaporize Pakistanis. "THIS IS MY WATCH. IT SAYS IT IS DICK TIME." Meanwhile, Eddie Murphy put a little tiny man in his butt. Does that car come with twenty-five free olives? Meanwhile, Mr. Meanwhile meanwhiled some meanwhiles. Then Bela Lugosi bought a loaf of french bread ...and fucked it! Then Lou Ferigno stared at Batman's delicious vagina full of ice cream. Then Drew Barrymore giggled buoyantly as she filled the college's ashtrays with AIDS, despite repeated warnings of the consequences to follow. "I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!" Then five slices of baloney overpowered Hulk Hogan in the final round by pulling an illegal 'Thumb Fucker' move. Then Ronald McDonald was caught crossdressing and sentenced to death by bunny rabbits (who put a mongoose... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know). Then I filled a hundred nursing homes with eighty thousand cubic liters of panda sweat. Then Dr. Robotnik was kidnapped by Pillbug Women, who put a mongoose up his ass. Then Dave Foley pulled back the sheets to reveal that, sometime during the night, his penis had turned into Robert Goulet. "Giblets!! Giblets on TELEVISION!!!" Then Sherlock Holmes made use of every last ounce of his deductive prowess to uncover the mystery of who ate up the last of the fucking pistachio ice cream in the freezer. I flick snot on babies. Then Nancy Grace became filled with maggots. As a direct consequence, earthworms came out of my nipples. "Because ...Jews?" "What about them?" "They're ...ticklish?" Then Tanzania got herpes. Then Keanu Reeves followed the ballerina dancer home so he could steal her shoes and lock himself in her closet to sniff them for hours. It reminded him of grandma. Then Al Roker tore off all his clothes and killed a velociraptor. Then Cab Calloway had sex with the planet Jupiter. Then Imelda Marcos took a w-OH FUCK!!! HERE COME THE DANGEROUS HATS!!! QUICK, GET ME A MONGOOSE!!!